Monday, December 30, 2013

DIY Tradition: A Festivus Miracle -Sitting Now

Originally Published December 30, 2013 via
“It’s a stupid holiday my father invented.  It doesn’t exist.”
-George Costanza

I’ve spent the week thinking about the strange place tradition comes from.  Mostly because of the fairly new holiday known as Festivus, which Wikipedia says is “a secular holiday celebrated on December 23 which serves as an alternative to participating in the pressures and commercialism of the Christmas holiday season.”
Festivus was a plot device used in Seinfeld that has become a nationally recognized holiday.  In fact, I got two “Happy Festivus” texts this year. Must be getting popular.

But Festivus was just a giggling thought floating around in the back of my head on Christmas morning, when my wife exposed me to one of her family traditions: Christmas cake.  It’s basically just a cake, but you’re allowed to eat it for breakfast.  I think we made it through at least three quarters of the damn thing over the day.  Compounded with the mountain of candy I’d been steadily devouring since I’d woken up, the massive stores of sugar finally had their way with me sometime in the late afternoon, as I stared at the computer screen, trying desperately to work up the effort it takes to finish writing another one of these wonderful pieces.

I was six hundred words into a trotting study of the Juggalos’ recent declaration of war against the Illuminati.
I’d known about the Juggalos for a little while.  Fans of the rap outfit, Insane Clown Posse (or “ICP” to those in the know), they were known for wearing fishnets and clown makeup, drinking Faygo by the gallon, and throwing their dictionaries out of the holes in their tents that served as windows.

What I didn’t know was that ICP have apparently been developing some kind of quasi-Christian, carnival-themed religion over the past twenty years, and at least some conspiracy nuts are absolutely sure that we are watching the first movements of a cult (most likely backed by the New World Order).

I was just about to begin breaking down the cosmology of their home-grown religion, when the looming specter of sugar withdrawal quietly curled around my shoulders, waiting to rip my eyes out of the back of my head.

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