Dumb

The clock is tick-tick-ticking off its judgments. Tick – stupid. Tick – Hey, stupid. It’s new. I bought it for six bucks at the local five-and-dime. La Virgen de Guadalupe smiles serenely from its face, held aloft by angels.

Black Swan, White Swan... Let's Call the Whole Thing Off

Formal logic might be the blackest of magics (and it makes for the most excruciating of reads). Just try figuring out the Black Swan Problem. Read a ton of obnoxious articles by formal logicians – who I imagine wear capes and brood in towers while they go about their dark art of turning language into math – without pushing your thumbs into your eyeballs until they pop.

Donald Duck: High Priest of the Illuminati

Conspiracy theorists are dreadfully thorough, but I guess most of them missed this one: Donald in Mathmagic Land, the 1959 Disney featurette starring Donald Duck which teaches us about the Pythagorean cult, the pentagram, the Fibonacci Sequence, and the Golden Ratio.

Jack Kirby And Comic Book Mysticism

You may not recognize the name Jack Kirby, but if you’ve ever argued with your friends over who gets to be Cyclops when you were playing X-Men in your backyard, then you’ve been touched by his creations.

Eye of the Skeptic

Those “I’m always right” types absolutely need faith, or else those vicious doubts start creeping in. Not only will you find faith in the religious mind, calling God a fact, you’ll also find it lurking in the atheist, saying He isn’t. Come to think of it, anyone who uses the word “fact” so easily must be pretty faithful, at least when it comes to their own nonsense.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Swamp Rabbit Politik -Sitting Now

Originally published November 21, 2014 via sittingnow.co.uk

Editor’s Note: Presidential assassination is never funny, which is why Right Where You Are Sitting Now will be listening for even the hint of a chuckle as you read the following column. Anyone found to be criminally tasteless will be reported to the proper authorities.

The sylvilagus aquaticus, or swamp rabbit, is a large cottontail rabbit found in the swamps and wetlands of the Southern United States. The swamp rabbit is known for its short oval ears, its natural talent for swimming, and its mindless homicidal rages. It can grow to 2 feet in length and can run up to 45 miles an hour, making it a veritable cannonball of downy hate.

I only mention this because I wouldn’t want anyone saying that I’ve made light of a serious situation. That I ignored the FACTS just to make it easier to emasculate a one-time leader of the Free World and get away with an easy joke.

Carter Vs Rabbit
DATELINE: 1979. Small Plains, GA. President Jimmy Carter relaxes in a small fishing boat and contemplates the burdens laid upon his shoulders. He becomes aware of a struggle in the foliage lining the nearby bank. Suddenly, a swamp rabbit bursts from the bushes and dives into the water! It swims in blind terror from a couple of hound dogs on its heels, heading directly toward the President!
Being a man of action and thought, Carter grabs a canoe paddle and slaps the water to frighten the beast away! Seeing the look of absolute authority on the President’s face, the mange-ridden monster rethinks his strategy and swims in another direction!

And with that, the Free World can rest easy again. The President is safe.

With the facts in place, it seems like there is little to no spin room in this story, but wouldn’t you know it..