Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Swamp Rabbit Politik -Sitting Now

Originally published November 21, 2014 via sittingnow.co.uk

Editor’s Note: Presidential assassination is never funny, which is why Right Where You Are Sitting Now will be listening for even the hint of a chuckle as you read the following column. Anyone found to be criminally tasteless will be reported to the proper authorities.

The sylvilagus aquaticus, or swamp rabbit, is a large cottontail rabbit found in the swamps and wetlands of the Southern United States. The swamp rabbit is known for its short oval ears, its natural talent for swimming, and its mindless homicidal rages. It can grow to 2 feet in length and can run up to 45 miles an hour, making it a veritable cannonball of downy hate.

I only mention this because I wouldn’t want anyone saying that I’ve made light of a serious situation. That I ignored the FACTS just to make it easier to emasculate a one-time leader of the Free World and get away with an easy joke.

Carter Vs Rabbit
DATELINE: 1979. Small Plains, GA. President Jimmy Carter relaxes in a small fishing boat and contemplates the burdens laid upon his shoulders. He becomes aware of a struggle in the foliage lining the nearby bank. Suddenly, a swamp rabbit bursts from the bushes and dives into the water! It swims in blind terror from a couple of hound dogs on its heels, heading directly toward the President!
Being a man of action and thought, Carter grabs a canoe paddle and slaps the water to frighten the beast away! Seeing the look of absolute authority on the President’s face, the mange-ridden monster rethinks his strategy and swims in another direction!

And with that, the Free World can rest easy again. The President is safe.

With the facts in place, it seems like there is little to no spin room in this story, but wouldn’t you know it..

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